The Invisible Me That I Didn't See

I remember me. The invisible me that I didn't acknowledge was there. 

Some people look at me and think I take care of myself so well. So put together... the tan, the chiseled body, the blonde coif, not a wrinkle in sight and yet you figure I must at least be in my mid 30's... and you'd be right, but I won't correct you if you guess mid to late 20's as some do ;)

Growing up I was told I was beautiful. My physicality is what I received the most attention for - eyes, skin, lips, hair, build and yes, of course the booty. I've heard about that last one since high school. In fact, the first time I ever had an idea my rear end was anything exceptional was when I was walking in the parking lot and another student, a high school heart throb, remarked "nice ass" as I walked by. For those I went to school with, I'll leave you to ponder who that could have been. ;)

But what I neglected to think of was me, as an emotional being that experiences feelings, feels deeply and has empathy for others yet not much for myself. The invisible me.

Our family is what initially and continually socializes us, giving us a glimpse into experiencing and managing relationship dynamics. Growing up in a typical Anglo family dynamic where I was hugged by my Dad for the first time as a teenager, emotions were best not seen or heard. Even as a young person, I experienced emotions and feelings deeply. I was often tolerated and misunderstood within my family unit. I couldn't blame my family members for not understanding, as emotions weren't in their detached nature. 

But knowing that didn't make it any easier for me - to connect to others that I felt understood me, loved me and wanted me for just that, me. I was taught to become a strong, independent individual nearly devoid of emotion. That way, I would be best prepared for the big, bad world that lay ahead of me as an adult.

I've often heard that you shouldn't cry in business. Emotions shouldn't come into business dealings, management and overall function.  While I understand the reasoning behind this, it neglects that we are all emotional beings at our core. Even my own family members. They're just really good at suppressing. 

In business, I lead with my heart followed by my head. But I will admit my heart has led me astray in business as it has in my personal life. I'm a giver. I'm also someone that devalues myself as an emotional being, worthy of recognition, praise and most importantly, love. 

Just as with the attention to physical presentation and overall beauty, I don't neglect myself in buying nice cars, Louis bags or other material things. Some people will see that as me thinking of, taking care of myself, but it's really not. 

Material things don't give me, or anyone else, a purpose, they don't fulfill me or make my life - and me - more whole. Money, and the things it can buy, provides for enjoyment, comfort and security. It doesn't make me happy. 

What will make me happy, truly joyful, is experiencing love. I've always thought that I must earn love from others. Inherently, within me, I didn't see myself as being worthy of someone else's love. I had to prove myself, in my own mind, in order to earn it.

We all fall for the dream. You know, the one in the movies, books, seemingly all around us. Sometimes we can't see that nothing can be so perfect. I’ve yearned for someone to hear me, my unspoken words, feeling broken, broken open for someone to acknowledge and understand, providing me with validation.

We all want to be loved, to be somebody that someone is thinking of. For me, I wanted to belong to someone. To feel this other person was the complement to me, the other half of me that made me just that much better.

Eventually I've figured out I need to belong to myself. This doesn't just make me better, but my best. To validate and hear myself is the key. 

To find my way into this part of me, I need to be selfish. To place myself first. As a priority. Doesn't sound terribly difficult, but it is to me. In fact, it's a foreign concept that I have to actively work towards doing in my own head. Taking care of others is my nature, but while that helps me in business it hurts me in my personal life where I'm the only person that will ever be able to take care of, know and love all of me - before anyone else can even try. 

So I'm actively in the process of trying. I have found (so far) that I misstep, I fumble, but I get myself back on track by telling myself I am doing this for me, for my best life and I deserve it. While I probably won't ever stop working on my fake tan, I have gone a week or two this summer looking like Casper the Friendly Ghost's long lost sibling. And been okay with it. Progress. 

The day after my other half moved out, the work began on what was to be his man cave upstairs with the carpet being ripped out and hardwood floors being installed. Never having used the 2,000 sq ft upstairs for anything myself, I wondered what I would use this space for now that he was gone. The planning for this space had begun months before. My friend suggested I use the space for me. I replied - “isn’t that what the 3,000 sq ft downstairs is all about - me?” Then I thought about it. There’s no true personal space for me to just "be" with me, my thoughts. The master bath, the gym, all of these spaces serve a purpose which makes sense for a purpose driven person like myself. But what about a space that serves no other purpose other than to work on myself as an emotional being, the personal side of me that is devoid of business...

That’s when the Blair Shack - my Dream Space as I call it, was born. Full of comfy furniture, pillows with sayings on them which I’ve always thought to be so tacky yet they serve as affirmations for me in this space, this is my escape, my oasis to delve into anything and everything non business. Where I can get away into my own thoughts. Since I’ve never spent anytime in the upstairs, it does feel like a newly discovered staycation spot. And if you're looking at the pic and wondering what blankets are doing on the furniture, it's for my hoard of rescue cats that shed like a middle aged man going bald.

So far, most of the furniture is in, I don’t have much up on the walls and it will take me a while to find the different things I like. You’ll notice I went with the least popular flooring stain choice in my informal social media poll - the lightest. I felt that this would keep this space, which doesn’t have a lot of natural light, light and bright. The wall with the big DREAM letters will become my Dream Wall where I plan to place boards that I’ll post pics of places I want to go, places I’ve been and had great life defining experiences, goals and also notes and comments from friends, fans and followers that I will read when I am having difficulty recognizing the great aspects of me and those will act as affirmations of that. 

This space serves as a respite to recognize and get to know the invisible me. While it may not be immediately palpable on sight, this part of me is just as, if not more important, than anything physical about me. You could say this is my personal empowerment space where I am finding the strength to see and recognize love within myself, be my own family and learn that I’m “enough” on my own.

With a wish and a hope that others who read this will be selfish and make space, mentally and physically, for themselves, B :)