See... Me.

See... Me. 

What I've enjoyed most about this trip so far has been driving the convertible down the coastal highway with the top down, the sun washing over my face, the wind blowing through my hair and looking out over the ocean to my side. Occasionally, like most drivers along this stretch of pavement, I've pulled off and taken a few minutes to take in all the beauty that surrounds me here.

As I look out over the Pacific Ocean and reflect on what brought me here, to this highway between Santa Cruz and Half Moon Bay instead of a conference in San Francisco where I was originally scheduled to be at this moment, I realize that like this vast expanse - this living body of water in which so much below the surface goes unnoticed, unseen - he never "saw" me. 

As huge a heart as I have, as giving a person as I am, as accomplished and successful as I may be, he never did see me, for me. For these qualities. The characteristics that make me truly beautiful. He never saw any of them. I was never anything beyond a hot body, pretty face and large bank account. I was nothing more than a means to an end. As I've always been, to every man that's shown serious interest in me. 

Most importantly I realized that the reason this relationship didn't work out, isn't because of something I didn't do, something I wasn't able to be or something I didn't give. No, the reason isn't me at all. He not only is unable to see me, he isn't able to "see" himself. Beyond the cute face and big muscles, he isn't anything more than that to himself. So I can't expect him to see me as more than the physical when he can't see himself in that way.

I'm learning to live without him, but I miss the good times. As the days go by, the recollections are less frequent, but there are moments that my heart tugs at the times I remember we laughed together, he smiled at me or he said a word of thanks for the thoughtfulness I showed him so naturally... because that's who I am.

The things I thought I knew, I'm learning again. I've made it this far in life. I've been through tougher times. Most people wouldn't have come this far, they wouldn't be as strong as I've become, they would have given up. That's not who I am. I reflect, learn and grow through every experience, every challenge - evolving into my best. I've referred to myself as a fighter and that's who I am - I've fought, hard, so hard, to defy expectations of me, to become successful in business, to be true to myself no matter how difficult it's been. While I'm tired of fighting because I've done it my whole life, I know I must continue.

I must continue because I know that some people come and go in life, they hurt me, but I can't hold onto that hurt because it develops into anger that holds me back. Ultimately, it's about forgiveness and the enduring grace that develops from the practice of forgiving others and, most importantly, myself. I must forgive me, let go of responsibility I feel inside for his actions - because I recognize I can't control him or his actions. I can't control any actions of any person that has, or will, hurt me; I only control my own.

This is the last day I will be driving the coastal highway before I head up into San Francisco, experiencing this feeling of freedom, of my perspective opening up, realizing there's a whole wide world out there as I drive down this winding roadway. As the wind rushes through my hair today with the top down, I feel the heaviness of my heart release through this force pulling the strands away from my scalp, leaving it in the dust from the sand as I pull back onto the pavement. Feeling the sun brush across my face, I am renewed in strength that not only am I better and stronger from this experience, but I'm also better off without him. It's tough to be alone, to only have myself by my side in this life, but I know I need to learn to love myself on my own and be okay, at peace with that, rather than be with someone that doesn't know how to see and love the most beautiful part of me.

I was reminded of the power I have come to know from this convertible sports car as I drove through Santa Cruz today... I was being checked out left and right. A good looking 20 something man with one of those trendy longish blond surfer like haircuts approached me as I got out and walked into (what else?) a cake and sweets shop, and asked if I was from around here? Replying no, that I am from Georgia, he said he would love to show me around the town.

It occurred to me, in this moment, that I have never been asked out by a man. Sure, I've had this kind of thing happen and then they want to get me naked after talking for a bit, but I've never experienced a man showing genuine interest in me, as a person with a lifetime of experiences that have shaped my heart, mind and soul and interested in getting to know me, valuing me as this person. 

Inquiring as to what drew him to ask me this, he said he couldn't help but notice me pull up with the top down, looking like a model, my legs as I got out, and my beauty as I brushed past him. 

In this moment, what strikes me is that I teach men how to treat me. I allow them to see me as something like a doll for their play toy and a bank account for their taking. And it stops now. 

Thanking him for his kind offer (I am a Southerner after all - manners are always in good form) I declined and turned to leave. Calling after me that we could have a good time later I responded to him: "that's exactly the problem. You don't see my true beauty. The real me." And he had no idea what I was talking about. Most men don't. And these are the ones I need to leave in the dust as I pull away.

As I slide behind the wheel and hear the roar of this powerful engine come to life, I feel empowered. In my own value. And realize I deserve not just better, but the best.

I'll always remember the discoveries I've made on this stretch of road, the smiles that only I witnessed and experienced driving solo in this convertible, but what I will take away from this time I've spent with me is the development of a respect and love for myself, realizing my true value is within me, it will grow and become more beautiful with time and this is what truly defines me. I See Me.

To finding our true beauty within and the empowerment it holds, B :)