Sometimes I Wonder if I'm as Strong as People Think I Am...

Spending my last evening in Half Moon Bay in front of the fire pit finishing up a novel by one of my favorite authors, Joseph Dobrian, I found the only thing missing was a cat (or three) on my lap. ;) 

As I headed north the next morning from Half Moon Bay to what was to be my original destination for this week, a hotel in San Francisco, I felt refreshed, lighter than when I arrived and excited to spend some time in San Francisco. First heading into Sausalito for some shopping, I hit up a holiday store I found online that specializes in everything Christmas… it was ilke heaven to this SaintNick lover. Thank goodness I knew I could only buy so much because of limited space in my luggage while traveling back to Georgia. I came in at just under the max limit - 49 pounds! - for my large suitcase. The shopping force must have been with me :)

After all this fun in the sun on the Sausalito Bridgeway it didn’t even occur to me, as I crossed the Golden Gate Bridge, that when I reached the hotel my eyes would turn bleary. But, they did. As I laid eyes on this hotel room, where it was initially planned that Thad and I would spend the week here in this room, that we picked out together online… I pretty much went to a bad emotional place on sight.

The sweet hotel staff attempted to brighten my spirits by sending me a welcome charcuterie plate, then next doorbell ring was a bottle of wine (and I don’t drink) and then offering me free dinner. As I struggled to continue to answer the door and speak without breaking down, really just wanting to be left alone, I was on and off the phone with Delta… which explains my Devil Delta post yesterday… attempting to schedule a return flight for last night to no avail. At this point I was wishing I had accepted that bottle of wine and I had my own personal Dr. Conrad Murray on call for some Xanax and Ambien stat!

Grappling with the question of should I or shouldn’t I stay here in this room, that affected me so greatly so unexpectedly, my immediate intention was to flee the scene of emotional carnage as quickly as possible. This was balanced with the struggle of feeling that he wins if I go home early. After dealing with a much too peppy Delta clerk who was no help whatsoever between her overly cheery statements on the phone then being transferred to her supervisor who was much easier to work through a solution with, I settled on staying the night in this room. Attempting to detach myself emotionally from this space so that it didn’t affect me, I got hold of my emotions and took the hotel up on their offer of free dinner… filet no less so why not enjoy that?

But I’m left with asking myself why this visual affected me to such an extreme degree? I felt like bawling, feeling so alone, so vulnerable, hurt, used and empty inside. In fact, I am tearing up as I write this waiting for my flight in the airport now just recalling what I was feeling last night in that hotel room. 

With each day passing I’m sure it will get easier and I know, in my mind, he’s not worth my tears and doesn’t deserve all that I am, but my heart still aches for the companionship of his presence, his smile, the glint in his eye when he looked at me early on or how I felt when he held me - safe, secure, comfortable and yes, at one time, I did feel loved in his embrace even if wasn’t towards the end.

I’ve written before about how he never really saw me, for me, and I don’t believe he truly opened up because of his own issues with being emotionally vulnerable and while I know I’m better off because I can’t make him open up to receiving the unconditional love, care and acceptance that I’m willing and able to give, this doesn’t help me in wondering about the potential I know was there - if he were willing to work on himself. That’s the part that sucks, that I know it could have worked and when I commit to someone I stay committed even if I’m not happy, not fulfilled.

I’ve loaned money to employees that never paid me back, but even after seeing them for the first time in a long time my concern was never the money even if they mentioned it. My concern was and is - are they in a good place? Are they happy and fulfilled in their lives? Money comes and goes. What’s most important to me is how they are as a person.

I began therapy this year with the initial intention to work through the passing of my mother years ago, but have ended up working on a lot more, focusing a good portion on the need to love myself which is something I know Thad struggles with as well. Not willing to explore therapy for himself, or as a couple, I knew I couldn’t do it for him, he had to be wiling to himself. And that’s uncomfortable for some people.  

My therapist asked me to make a list of non physical attractive qualities about myself. At the top of this list was that I give myself to people in such a way that not only do I expect nothing in return, but I also still care about them as people, their best life and happiness even if they’ve done something to hurt me, if they’ve betrayed me, lied to me or wronged me. Even if I have been hurt greatly by an ex, I want only the best for them, hope that they are living their best life and they’re happy. I want to know that is the case because it makes me happy to know they’re happy. That’s just who I am and while sometimes I wish I didn’t care, I know I do and I will. It’s just a part of me and I can’t change it.

Resolving to find the ability to truly find love for myself within me as this is under my control, this list is a good start to allow me to see the things in myself that others seem to see so readily. Next I need to review who I am genetically, what I am predisposed to do and be because of hard wiring to then know what I’m working with and set the course forward. To a certain degree, some of who we are is fixed. It’s like an alcoholic or drug addict - sobriety isn’t never drinking or doing the drug of choice again. It’s learning ways to manage that addiction because they’ll always be an addict. The same goes for who I am genetically and part of that is hard wiring of my psychological and mental self. There are certain things I cannot change about me, including how much I care and lead with my heart. What I can do is identify these parts of me that I cannot change and learn ways to manage them. I’ve found this is key in my overall evolution.

My embarkment to San Francisco may not have gone as I had planned, but I am excited to head home to my rescue cats that while aggravating at times, they’re always there to greet me as I cross the threshold into the house :) 

I’ll meet you here soon to discuss my action plan for the hard wired, genetics portion of me, which I would say are emotional characteristics of my personality, and how I plan to manage that component so that I’m in control of me and on the right path going forward. Because I know I am as strong as people think I am...

 Write you again soon, B :)